It’s hard not being there

I should be over this all by now, but I’m not.  I think I’m learning a lot about why though, and I think it’s the same reason it all went wrong: I’m not there.

I’m not there, so I look at Facebook.  Just a quick look, doesn’t hurt anyone.  Hmm, nothing new.  OK, well then I’m not being ignored.  That’s good.  What about Twitter?  Nope, nothing there either.  Phew!  Definitely not being ignored.  Good.  No, wait.  She liked something on Facebook.  Now she’s shared it.  She is online and she is not writing to me.  I sent her a message and she’s ignoring me.

The thing is, she isn’t ignoring me.  She had a 20 second break from everything else and hit like or share.  But, because I’m not there, the logic goes out of the window.  I fill in the blanks with paranoia.  By the time I get a response, I am so eager to hear from her and so wound up that I reply really quickly without proper thought.  I say words I shouldn’t say and don’t mean.  I write to quickly so she tags it to respond to later, then forgets.  This is what I do with Facebook, so I know it is true.  I think I’ll remember to look at it, but I don’t because I’ve marked it as read when it isn’t.  A week later, I realise that someone sent me a message saying, “here, I have a present for you” and rather than saying “wow, thanks!” in response, I’ve ignored them.

But in affairs of the heart we forget these things.  Logic goes out of the window.  We think about them and expect them to constantly do the same.  We don’t remember that, if they are having a conversation, a 2 paragraph email might take 2 hours to write.

It’s hard not being there.

Except for bunnies

Today has been a day of idiotic realisations.  I have been telling myself for weeks that I am absolutely, resolutely, not in love.  Nope.  No, siree-Bob.  Nope.  Uh-uh.  Noooo…

Except, I am.  Totally, wholeheartedly in love, and I don’t understand how I got here.  I know this can never be the relationship I think I deserve because it will never be open and honest with the world.  So why can’t I move past this point?  She says she doesn’t love me, and I think she’s probably telling the truth.  That just makes me want to try harder and do better.  I flit between doing everything I can to make her think of me and trying to remain silent, but the silence never holds because I want her to think of me too much.

Damn.  This is not what this blog was supposed to be about.  It was supposed to be me showing myself how to move on, but instead I have come to a standstill.  I wish I knew what to do next.

Daydreaming

When the other person isn’t there I have a tendency to fill in their half of the conversation, which really isn’t fair to either one of us. I think it’s something that some people do more than others, and I know it’s something I need to cut back on. I’ve been daydreaming in this way for years, since I was a child hiding under the bedcovers pretending to still be asleep. I’d play out whole relationships in a matter of hours, and in every scene I’d have the kind of self-confidence I’ve never had in real life. I’m incredibly self-confident in most situations – I know who I am, I am happy with what I have to show the world, and I know how to talk to people (work a room). The bit I find nigh-on impossible is emotional confidence. I have so many different feelings buzzing around inside me, but I struggle to articulate them, and often end up saying nothing when I should be pulling someone close and telling them that I love them with all my heart. Then, when I fail in a situation once again, I resort to replaying it in my mind until the scenario ends as I’d like.

In itself, there is nothing wrong with this – analysing actions and working out a better way forward is one of the best ways for a person to learn.  The issue comes when you solidify the false memories in your mind by playing them over and over so that when you finally see the other person again, you have built up a huge amount of emotional attachment to them that they simply cannot relate to.  You react internally to their seeming lack of attachment by ignoring it and being too much too soon, inadvertently sabotaging the relationship just at the point where they had become interested.  Your behaviour seems, at best, erratic, and at worst, insane.

So, what’s the answer?  In asking this, I obsessively think about an amazing woman who just doesn’t see me there, and her distaste for sentences beginning with the word so.  So.

Moving on

I find change difficult – I think most people do.  The big stuff, like moving house or job, that’s easy.  The changes I find hard are the little ones, like different brands of tea or not speaking to someone every day any more.  I love to alphabetise because it gives me a sense of order and of continuity.  I do a job that involves talking to people a lot because I can think fast and make them feel special.

Recently I came to the conclusion that the woman I had always assumed I would spend the rest of my life with doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with me.  It was unpleasantly sobering to realise that I have spent half my life waiting for the right moment with someone who wasn’t looking for that moment with me.

I also realised that I always do what the other person says they want me to do in a relationship, which is very often not what they really want.  The result of this is that I need to make a change in what I do, but it’s one of those small changes – the ones I’m no good at.  I need to stop ticking every box and start figuring out which are the ones that will take things forward.

That’s what I’m writing about here: my journey to change my life in tiny ways.  This is day one.  Wish me luck.